"And Brace Yourself, Because This Is Really Going To Hurt..." (Take 2)
When there’s a lull in your work shift when barely anyone stops in to peruse you merchandise, it can be a welcomed change from the usual madcap rush of a retail store. When there’s a longer than usual lull in your work shift, it can be a wonderful chance for you to tackle a number of tasks that could otherwise never get finished since you’d be always interrupted by customers. And when that lull reaches out to encompass, oh, most of the whole day, you quickly discover how easily your brain can be entertained.
Entertaining brains even in a shallow fashion is preferred over having your brain get so bored that it decides to vacate your cranium and take a tour of the wolf just to get some stimulation. So with that said, prepare for an extraordinary exhibition of the silly and sad antics of those we call: the bored-bored-bored-bored kiosk employee!
The horrible ailment know as “Boredomus Non-Compus Stimulus” (which in all likelihood can be found in the textbook, “False Medical Conditions and Diseases”) first began to set in the later hours of my shift. And by that I mean 11am...which is rather sad considering how the 8-hour shift began at 9:30am. As the boredom set in, it caused me to contemplate giving a discarded Bob The Builder keychain doll a frontal lobotomy. It was a discarded keychain doll to begin with, so I probably could have gotten away with it too.
This subsequently led me to consider a brain transplant between Bob and a Winnie-the-Pooh knapsack doll. After all, it is widely known that Pooh has fuzz for brains, and I was wiling to bet that Bob would make for a compatible donor despite his apparent skills in construction.
For such precision surgery, I decided the best course of action as using one of the company’s matknives in lieu of a scalpel. In the end, though, I decided against this radical if not brilliant experimental surgery. First off, I had no anesthetic. Second, I had no malpractice insurance. And after that admittedly misguided attempt involving a grafting of Mr. Potato Head’s facial features onto Barbie’s head, better safe than sorry.
This is not by any means an indication that it ended there.
Hours passed by with all the speed of a bonsai tree. Desperation swelled like an overripe goiter. Pathetic analogies were constructed with all the respect and class of the
Batman & Robin movie.
But then I was rescued by something most unexpected: a change of places. Yes indeed, I was switched over to the kiosk. Surely a change of scenery would do me good! And it did. However, the complete lack of anyone stopping to check out the kiosk’s merchandise, was not so good. Yet once again I was rescued by something even more unexpected: cardboard!
Yes indeed, cardboard. A number of smallish cardboard boxes had been collapsed and were sitting in a pile in the kiosk, just waiting to be sent to the recycling bin. But I had other plans for them in the meantime, oh yes...
At first I set two of the small, collapsed boxes down on the shiny mall floor, and used them as skis. I happily glided about inside that narrow walking strip in my kiosk, thinking that if it was winter outside, I could pretend I was out skiing. Though knowing my luck, I’d manage to clock myself into an imaginary tree and have the paramedics take me to the hospital for a strange concussion.
Then when the ski trip was over and I could no longer hole up in the chalet drinking hot chocolate, I took these same collapsed boxes and randomly set them down on the floor of the kiosk’s little walkway. For the next hour, I only stepped on the collapsed boxes, going so far as to delude suddenly-six-year-old myself into thinking that the mall floor within the kiosk might be some terrible, horrible, no-good-very-bad stream of oatmeal. Evil oatmeal. Evil undead oatmeal.
Today’s Disclaimer: not all oatmeal is evil or undead, and the views expressed in this particular bit of nowhere are by no means derisive or definitive. Oatmeal advocates and lovers need not start protesting this Little Bit of Nowhere.
posted by Phillip at 7:21 PM
